The Art of Setting Boundaries at Family Gatherings

Joy to the world! The holiday season is upon us. As some of us slip into child-like glee, others have different expectations of the coming weeks.

It’s no secret that this particular time of year can bring forth great stress. Let’s take a moment first and decorticate it: most of us are expected to spend a lot of time with extended family; we have to juggle between party attendance and hosting, holiday travel, gift shopping, additional expenses, and deal with the expectation that things should be seamless, and picture perfect of course. Lest we forget, as the calendar year is ending, most of us also struggle to keep up with extra work or assignments. Because nothing spells holiday cheer like tight deadlines and long, sleepless hours fueled by coffee and an overarching sense of regret for not starting earlier, right?

Wait a minute, where are you going? Come back from underneath that table; this is a safe place, we promise. Now that we’ve successfully managed to list the most common causes of holiday stress – and raise everybody’s blood pressure while we’re at it- let’s actually take a look at some strategies you can use to spread a little more love to yourself and others in these trying times.

Plan ahead

While many aspects of our modern lives are plagued by unpredictability and endless distraction, it remains possible to establish a general course of action. Set your own limits on how and where you intend to spend your time, how long it will take you to prepare, and how much money you’re willing to pay. If you’re planning as a couple or family, schedule time for a talk before the festivities and make sure everyone is on the same wavelength. A lot of holiday stress stems from feeling as if you have to do everything; a good option may be letting your family know that you won’t make it to every event this year. And if you still feel obligated to show up, let others know ahead of time that you’re only able to stay for a few hours. By practicing deliberate prioritization and keeping communication channels open, you’re increasing your sense of self-agency, conveying that your time and energy are valuable resources, and minimizing the risk of last-minute stressors.

Adapt a mantra

Stress has a way of bringing out the worst in people. This, in turn, can lead us to lash out, especially at the ones closest to us. If stress is causing you or the ones around you to argue more than usual, you may find solace in repeating a compassionate mantra, for example, “People are doing the best they can,” or “May peace guide my actions,” or “In this moment, I choose to be kind to myself and others”. The purpose of this practice is to mindfully choose what you want to focus your mind on; think of it as a way to redirect the energy you would spend fuming to finding a more assertive manner of handling conflict.

This is valid for you, too, by the way. If you feel inadequate when you scroll through trendy, curated content and ads on your social media feed, please give yourself an early gift and extend some kind, empathetic words to yourself. You deserve it.

Look after your own physical needs

It’s normal to experience mood fluctuations from one moment to the next. If you start feeling an irrepressible urge to attack anyone who sneezed in your vicinity, this is probably a sign that you should pause and evaluate the situation. Have you ever heard of the HALT technique? This clever acronym consists of asking yourself the following questions anytime you feel too edgy or dejected.

Are you…

Hungry? When was the last time you had a nutritious meal? No, Cheetos and coffee don’t count as nutritious meals.

Angry? Is there something bothering you that you haven’t addressed? Was one of your boundaries crossed?

Lonely? Are you feeling isolated, left out, or misunderstood? When was the last time you experienced a sense of belonging and connectedness?

Tired? Are you running low on sleep? Have you been overexerting yourself?

Take a moment to check in and address any need you may have neglected. And for the love of everything sacred, don’t wait until you’re on the verge of burnout to resort to self-care. Taking as little as three minutes every day to step out of autopilot mode and do something nice for yourself goes a long way. Finally, if you still feel overwhelmed, remember to speak up and state your needs so others can help ease the load.

Now, we’ve looked at ways to prevent the more predictable holiday-related stressors. But what can we do when forced to deal with unpleasant or stressful impromptu situations, and without ruffling too many feathers?

What makes boundaries so necessary during the holidays?

As we said earlier, holidays can be a source of stress for everybody. It is a time when one might find themselves dealing with people, they might otherwise not be that interested in spending time with, like distant relatives or in-laws, or engaging in activities they wouldn’t usually favor, like end-of-the-year shopping. The anxiety of being out of one’s comfort zone and possibly pushed into conflict with others can generate friction, as one is forced to navigate a sea of different personalities and responsibilities. When taken from that perspective, the ability to set healthy boundaries becomes more appealing than ever.

Why do we need boundaries anyway?

First, you’re not alone if you have trouble standing up to other people. When we are young, different authority figures dictate how we should behave. That’s entirely normal when we are children, but can become an issue when we grow older and if they continue to play this role. That’s when boundaries come into play to allow you to claim your autonomy, independence, or privacy, respectfully. Any relationship thrives when appropriate personal boundaries are established and respected by both parties, allowing individuals to grow alongside one another without overstepping their limits.

But I'm so bad at setting boundaries!

None of us were born with an innate ability to navigate social relationships. You may have to hit a few walls before finding what works for you, which is fine; it takes some time and flexibility. If you don’t succeed right away, just treat your failures as an opportunity to refine your strategy. The more subtle work of setting boundaries involves figuring out why you’re setting the boundary and what you’re trying to achieve in the first place. With practice, you can get better at it, and as you do, you will likely develop healthier relationships with less resentment and frustration. Here are some ways to set boundaries with your loved ones or anyone who isn’t respecting your limits.

1. "No" is a complete sentence

Many of us grew up learning that saying “no”, especially to an adult, is impolite or even immature. But we promise it is completely fine to say no, and you don’t owe anyone an explanation. If it seems too harsh, you might prefer using short and direct sentences like “No, I don’t feel comfortable,” or “No, I don’t want to have this conversation,“ or “No, this is inappropriate”. You can repeat your answer in the same, or varying form, as an indicator that you acknowledged their question or request but do not wish to engage further. And if the other party doesn’t take your “no” for an answer, you can always choose to disengage from the interaction, if you feel you have done everything you could to explain your point of view.

2. The magic of "I" statements

This is a technique derived from the field of psychology that many of us wish we had learned sooner: when setting a boundary with someone, people are more likely to listen if you focus on how they have made you feel rather than why they are wrong. This kind of statement will follow the general format of, “When you do this thing, I feel this way.” This way, you’re not assuming anything about the other person, which could cause them to become defensive. Suppose your nosy aunt keeps asking why you didn’t get married. Well, she will probably respond more favorably to “I feel uncomfortable discussing this and would rather talk about something else” rather than to any variation of “Mind your own business“ or “You always criticize me”.

3. The subtle art of diversion

One trick that might come in handy to defuse a conflict-laden situation is diversion. Far from being sneaky, it can reorient the conversation in a more comfortable direction. There are several methods for doing this:

Thank the person: if someone says something you are not willing to address, you can thank them for their concern or for sharing this with you and gently redirect them to another subject
Adopt a lighter tone: sometimes, we get so entrenched into an uncomfortable conversation that a peaceful resolution can seem difficult to achieve; introducing some lightness into the conversation can be a way to anchor yourself in the present moment, and help everyone take a few steps back from the growing tension.
Question their motivation: you can also ask the person why they said or did that very thing you are not comfortable with; for better results, you may want to adopt a gentle, curious attitude rather than a defensive or angry one.

4. Set consequences

Boundaries are meaningless if there are no consequences to crossing them. You are encouraged to let others know what will happen if they persist in violating your boundary. Some consequences could include leaving the room or place if it brings you harm; which may be the best way to look after yourself in certain settings. If they persist after this, you could stop speaking to them for a certain period. Of course, it works best when you choose to do it deliberately and not impose this restriction as a form of lashing out. You are simply sending the message that they will have to respect your boundaries if they are interested in future interactions with you. You don’t have to decide immediately how to set a boundary, as it is being crossed. If you need time to process what is happening or it all feels too much, you can take a deep breath, step out of the situation, and reach out to your support system.

5. Stand your ground

Remember that not everyone is used to having people around them set boundaries, so they may react negatively when you do. This doesn’t mean you have done anything wrong or should back down. Establishing a boundary is like getting anybody used to any kind of new rule; consistency is key. If there is going to be negotiation, it must be your choice and yours alone; nobody is allowed to make that decision for you. That being said, change doesn’t happen overnight, and people may need some time to adapt, especially in the face of significant dynamic changes. Another counterintuitive aspect is that just as you are free to set your own boundaries, others can accept or reject them; one part of emotional maturity is learning to deal with this paradoxical truth.

Throughout this process, we want to remind you to be as gentle with yourself as possible. When dealing with family especially, it is very easy to revert to old roles or behaviors and feel lost as you try to reframe these lifelong relationships. Boundaries are not a punishment or a product of anger; they are a sign that you are attuned to your own needs and care enough about a relationship that you wish to see it grow in the healthiest way possible. With that in mind, we hope you can use this information to enjoy your holidays or, at the very least, get through them as smoothly as possible.

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The Art of Setting Boundaries at Family Gatherings

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